New Year, New Me!

2013 was a tough year for so many people, including me! In fact the past three years or so have not been too kind.

In the past three years I have filed for bankruptcy, lost my home, moved to a rental, experienced the death of my father, filed for legal separation from my husband and moved home again!

It has been very hard, but despite that I am feeling very optimistic about the coming year. I have many really, really good friends who support me and help me and for some strange reason - feed me. God knows I don't need fattening up,  but it's such a nice and kind gesture that I am very grateful for.

On top of everything else, I turned 60 this past September and I have to be honest and admit I do not like getting older. And sixty seems SO old. But to help me through it my friends and I took a trip to Santa Fe to celebrate. We had a fantastic time, 6 of us in one enormous room, we laughed, shared secrets, shopped, dined out and generally enjoyed ourselves. So much so that we plan another trip again soon, somewhere closer to home where we won't spend quite so much money, but still have a wonderful time. I cannot wait!

The boys will be 9 in a few weeks, they are growing fast, argue and fight with each other as well as me, but throughout the day, they come to me for a hug or to tell me they love me, so somewhere along the way, despite my doubts, I know I am doing something right.

And in August I am flying home to the UK for a long awaited visit to see my sister. The boys will be here with their dad and I will be foot loose and fancy free for 3 entire weeks. Jean has never been to Cornwall, I can barely believe that, so she is going to leave her kids and grand kids behind and she and I will be taking a girl's trip together. I can hardly wait. We have never done anything like this before, never had time just to ourselves and it's going to be really good to share that together.

So I have high hopes for the new year. The turmoil, worry and doubt of the past couple of years should be safely behind me now and I am looking forward to some good times with my friends and family.

The Dark Ages

My day started off innocently enough! TV on to catch the weather forecast, chasing Oliver to eat his breakfast and clean his teeth before school, Jamie was staying home as his asthma was really bad.

 

All normal enough. Then at 10:20am, the hammer fell!! The TV went off, I couldn't email, my land line phone was dead, WiFi was out - we had no internet or cable service!

 

After 30 minutes I called Xfinity. It was a recorded message, part of which gleefully advised me that I could check the status of my connection and/or repairs using my handheld device, PC or laptop!! Really? I can do that............ when I have no service? Amazing! The recorded message proceeded to tell me that there was an outage in my area, that Xfinity would work around the clock to fix the problem and they expected service to be back later in the day!! WHAT??

 

I work from home, suddenly I was dead in the water! I hate having my plans changed like that. So I went grocery shopping instead. Jamie and I came home and ate lunch.

 

12:00 noon = no service

1:00pm = no service

 

I called Xfinity again, their recorded message still advises to use my computer to check on outages, but also adds that service should be restored by 2:00pm. OK, that's not so bad, we can deal with that. I can catch up with my work later. Jamie is a little bored but I persuade him that another hour isn't long to wait.

 

2:00pm = no service

 

Xfinity's recorded message now announces that "We are not accepting calls at this time." Wonder why?"

 

I resort to cleaning, how bad is my life? Jamie is a little fed up but is playing a computer game that does not require online connectivity. When he tires of that we sit and watch a DVD together 'The Last Mimsy.' I quite like that movie, mainly because the rabbit is so cute!

 

3:00pm = no service

4:00pm = no service

 

The Xfinity not so helpful helpline now advises that the outage will be fixed by three. In which time zone I wonder!

 

5:00pm and Jamie and I head over to the school to collect Oliver who has stayed late for a group. We eventually get back at 5:25pm, and lo and behold, all services are now back on!!

 

But no office work for me, now it's time to prepare dinner, help with homework and generally get on with household and parenting duties.

 

My day without my computer was long and frustrating. And perhaps I should call Xfinity and let them know that trying to use a computer to check an outage is really not feasible!

It's just as they say.............

............no-one is lying about it.

The adverts on TV are right.

SHINGLES DOES HURT! And yes, I am shouting.

I thought I had been bitten by a spider, two or three times, on my right breast. And then I started to worry that I had been bitten by a really bad spider. A dangerous, nasty one, that attacked in the night, because I had so much pain in my shoulder blade. So sore it hurt to lie on my back in bed, but my arm hurt too, and my boob, so lying on my side wasn't very comfortable at all!

One week ago, I was in so much pain I was prepared to go to the emergency room, but I really didn't want pay the $50 + charge for going there. And after all, it was just a spider bite wasn't it? But last Monday I decided enough was enough and called my doctor, I was too uncomfortable to go on. I almost canceled at the last minute because I thought perhaps I was being a little over dramatic.

My doctor took one look at the 'bite' marks and told me I had shingles. I was so pissed off! I had already asked him about getting the shingles vaccine, but he smirked and said it was too late now!!

And to add insult to injury, he told me I could expect to be in some pain for at least another month! Oh great!

And then he added, "You do know you are infectious don't you?" but before I could comment on that he said "But only if you rub your boob on anyone!" And started laughing. He was in a great mood!  I was still pissed off!!

Saturday........Sunday.........

Monday.........Tuesday...........

and on Wednesday.......school starts!! YAY!

The start of a new school year means SO much to me! It's that wonderful day when I get a chance to enjoy some peace and quiet. When I get a chance to catch up on work, cleaning and laundry. When I am able to meet friends for a quiet tea and scone, when I get to grocery shop without little boys wanting everything they see. When I get a chance to get my hair cut, sit and read.....relax.........rest!

I love my boys. I do. I love them dearly. But the summer is long, too long I think for this Brit who is used to an 8 week summer break. My boys don't want to go back to school, they want to stay home forever! I have told them they have to go, they don't want to go, although both have said they are looking forward to seeing their friends again and both have declared recess their favorite 'subject' at school!

They had a good summer. They went bowling, went to the movies, went out to California for two weeks to visit their grandparents. They had play dates and sleep overs and entire days where they just wanted to stay home and hang out. We went out for lunch a few times, just me and my boys, they are good company and well behaved in a restaurant. So we all had a good summer. But I for one am counting down the days now until they return to school.

They will be 3rd graders! I am trying to impress upon them that there will be more work this term, that they will have to study and do their homework without complaint. They both nods their heads seriously to agree with me, we will see how that goes!

There is a feel of autumn in the air, the light is different, the nights are drawing in and temperatures are lower at night. I love this time of year, the seasons are changing and the weather is so enjoyable.

Tomorrow, perhaps I will take them out to lunch, who knows? They have to get a haircut before school - and our 'tradition' is to get a hair cut and then go to Smash burger for lunch and a shake. So we have to arrange that. Tuesday is the ice cream social and registration, bath night, early to bed night and we will be ready for the new term!!

Changes

It's been a very long time since I posted. And a lot has changed in my life.

I am not sure what caused the shift, perhaps it was my dad's funeral, perhaps it was my age, perhaps it was just the right time, I really don't know. But over the past year or two I have become more and more aware that I shouldn't remain married. I needed a separation, a new part of my life to begin. I love my children and their father will always be a part of our life, but I decided a separation, a legal separation was what I needed in order to move forward and to be happy again.

The decision making was the hardest thing I have ever done. I spent many, many nights lying awake, crying, making resolutions, deciding, and each morning questioning my night time decisions. What would a separation do to me, to my husband and most importantly, to my children?

I realized I would never, ever know if I had adversely affected all their lives, or mine for that matter. We never know if we had taken 'that' road, how things would have turned out, we only know what happens as we live our lives.

It took me about a year to decide to file for a separation. It was so hard. Actually signing the papers was easy, telling my husband I had filed was not, but I couldn't let him find out when he was served with the papers, he deserved more than that. And once I told him, life got harder, if that was even possible. He was naturally, angry, upset and hurt. He thought I was sick, wrong and perhaps even stupid. We argued and cried, but I knew I had done the right thing, even though I was struggling so much with my decision.

Many more sleepless nights followed. Many more days of doubt and indecision. Many, many weeks of trying to remain determined, trying to be certain that what I was doing wasn't purely selfish, that it was right for all of us. Just moving forward, day by day, hoping for the best.

I won't go into details concerning the separation, there is no need for that. Nor will I discuss here the reasons I decided to go ahead with a separation. I know many people do not understand me. I know many of my friends supported me. I was and still am so grateful that they were they to listen and console and comfort and help me through the most difficult time of my life.

So I am now a 'single' woman in the eyes of the law. I cannot remarry unless I move forward with divorce proceedings, but I have no plans to remarry. I have no plans to start dating. I want to be me. I want to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. I want to make my own decisions. I want to guide my boys, to help them learn and grow up to be kind and thoughtful and honest.

So what happened last Christmas?

Last Christmas kind of disappeared down the drain!

 

My dad died last Thanksgiving, and I had to quickly arrange a flight home to the UK for his funeral. While it was lovely to see my family it was a hard reason for my trip. I actually got back to the US too late to send Christmas cards to friends and family in the UK and Europe, so I let it go. I also didn't get cards out to friends and family in the US, nor did I write my Christmas letter because I just didn't feel like it.

Last year we didn't decorate outside although of course we put up the tree in the living room. But it seemed I had barely gotten home, done laundry and caught up with the household chores before the boys were out of school and the holiday was upon us.

This year, I am feeling a little smug, although I am trying not to because you know what happens when you think you have a handle on things! The tree has been up since just after Thanksgiving. The fireplace is adorned with the Christmas village and tons of lights. There are lights and decorations (just a few) in the front garden and the elf has been here a week or two now keeping an eye on the twins.

Yesterday I mailed ALL of my cards, Australia, UK and US. DONE! It is such a good feeling. Christmas presents?? All bought, some are wrapped. Krispie treats in tins for friends? Ingredients bought, tins bought and lined with parchment paper. In addition, some stealth projects are in the process of being knit and I am feeling pretty pleased with myself.

I know what I am making for Christmas dinner (lamb), I know what pies I am ordering from my favorite pie supplier (Village Inn) and I have all the fixings in the house for my current favorite drink - fuzzy naval!!

WOO HOO! Sounds too good to be true?? But it is, and I am one happy camper!

I always had big boobs!

And I only really liked them when I was in my early twenties and they were still (kind of) perky and attractive looking. My boobs developed quickly and early. I can still recall I was playing in the back garden with friends when my mum got home from work and called me into the house. She had bought me a bra, told me I was too big to be running around without one. It was very pretty, but OMG I can still feel how tight it seemed to be around my chest, how constricting it felt. I was just ten or eleven!!

Over the years I gues I have adapted to big boobs, to the jokes from friends - male of course - about how I would need extra long skis to balance me out otherwise I would be falling on my face all the time! I learned very quickly there were some outfits I really couldn't wear, some tops that just were not suitable. And I also learned that it was tough to find a nice, pretty, supportive and comfortable bra. Any weight I gained seemed to go straight to my chest, and it's almost impossible to lose it from that area!

And gradually, the weight of those boobs weighed me down. I began to suffer neck and back problems. I have degenerative disc disease and over time I have found it harder and harder to stand for even short periods of time without pain. Summer added in another problem, or two. The heat caused rashes underneath my boobs, my bras were uncomfortable and tight and the straps left deep indentations on my shoulders. 

When I realized I couldn't turn my head fully to the left or right I decided something had to be done and in June I decided enough was enough and went to see a plastic surgeon. He immediately told me I was a very good candidate for a breast reduction, that my size 38DDD were just too large for my small 5' 2" frame. He sent the paperwork and photographs off to the insurance company and less than two weeks later they responded with a YES! I was going to have my surgery, and it was fully covered! YAY! I was so excited.

I had my surgery exactly 2 weeks ago today. I am sore and bruised, but I am small and perky and so very, very happy. I am still swollen and am wearing a sports bra 24 hours a day for support and compression but already I have felt a major difference in my back and neck. The surgeon removed a little over 3lbs of tissue! THREE POUNDS! That's like a bag and a half of sugar, or three large cans of tomatoes! What a difference. My eventual size will be 34B and I think it looks great. My clothes fit differently, better, nicer, but now my stomach seems bigger! I can't afford a tummy tuck, so think I am off to invest in a pair of Spanx!!