So sad...............

...............my dad died this morning at 8:30am GMT.

I am flying back to the UK on Monday.

RIP dad, we will all miss you!

I am waiting...............

I have been thinking on this today. We all spend a lot of time waiting.

Waiting to see the doctor

Waiting in line at the grocery store

Waiting at a stop sign or traffic lights

Waiting for Christmas to come

We are a patient people!

But the waiting I am doing now is causing me much stress and is very, very difficult. I am waiting for my dad to die.

I should explain that he had a massive stroke on Sunday, so massive there is no chance of his recovering. The right side of his brain was so severely starved of oxygen and permanently damaged that the doctors are not treating him. He is effectively brain dead. He is on oxygen and IV fluids only. All his medications have been stopped, so we are waiting to see what happens, to see how long his frail body can hang onto life.

My stomach is 'funny', I am sad and stressed, just waiting. I want to be in the UK right now, but I have to wait until he has gone, then book a flight home for his funeral. So very sad and so very hard to do.

Time for change............

................I need a new photo, but would need to put makeup on first!!

I got my hair done today and I was SO ready for a change. So ready for something different!

And I got it! My hair stylist Erika is the best ever. No matter what I say when I go in I always, always come out with a fantastic hair cut and a fantastic color and I have never, ever disliked what she has done.

I can go in to the salon - as I did today - and say "I have no idea what I want, but I want something different. You can do whatever color you want, whatever style you want, anything!" She loves it!

So my shoulder length, blond-ish hair is now chin length and deep, dark red!!

It looks great, although it will take some getting used to after so many years of being blond!!

Thanks Erika, you are the best!!

Happy Halloween!

I must be completely Americanized!

I just walked home from the elementary school wearing slippers, pajamas, my hair in pigtails and tied up with big, pink ribbons and a cuddly toy stuffed under my arm.

And I wasn't concerned about it one little bit!

How did that happen?

Some women note that it happens when they turn 40, some when they turn 50.

Not me, didn't happen at 40 or 50, it came about when I was 57! An odd age, but I have suddenly, unexpectedly become comfortable in my body!

I no longer feel I have to wear makeup whenever I go out! I am looking my friends bravely in the face and don't care that my face is bare of foundation, mascara and lipstick!

WHY?

Why did it take so long?

Why did it happen now?

What triggered this change in my mentality?

Life suddenly seems so much easier! I am saving a ton of money on makeup and makeup remover, to say nothing of time! It's pretty easy just showering and going! No worrying about how I look all the time! I know that I do look better with makeup, but before I thought I looked totally AWFUL without makeup, now I don't really care if I do!

I am thinking it's perhaps that so much stress has now been removed from our lives. We love living here, love watching the wildlife and seeing the boys trot up the street to school. No bus, no car, just walking. Pretty much everything we need is right here, the grocery store is not far away and things seem so much more relaxed and friendly.

And I guess that's all there is to it!

Except that it's about time!!

FIVE DAYS!

Just five days, I can barely believe it! When the twins finished kindergarten I was convinced one, two or all three of us would not survive the long, long summer vacation. 13 weeks of vacation to be precise! In my opinion that's way too long for children to be out of school, in the UK the summer holiday is generally around 8 weeks. It makes me wonder if the school districts get a kick back from the summer schools that ramp up over the months the kids are on break!

(Same deal with car manufacturers and the oil companies, but that's another topic!)

But yes, we survived. We went to the park, had a picnic or two, had some play dates and visited the library every Wednesday for the Paws to Read group. Chuck took the boys hiking which allowed me to rest and we all went out in the evening to visit local restaurants, sample ice cream from the Rock House and generally enjoy our summer. Jamie lost 4 teeth, Oliver is still hanging onto all his and they both got really great, short haircuts!

We had friends over to enjoy the fireworks on July 4th and we all loved watching the deer come into our garden each evening to nibble our plants and eat up all the bird seed! We didn't like the bear demolishing our humming bird feeder however, although his nocturnal visit has prevented us from forgetting to bring the feeders in again!

Now the school supplies are sitting on my desk, I have 72 pencils to sharpen (sigh) and final appointments to fit in before the new term (semester) begins next Tuesday. It's a huge landmark for the boys, being at school for an entire day, staying for lunch and not running out of school into my arms at noon, eager to show me their latest piece of artwork.

Some parents bemoan this time, but I am excited for my boys. I am excited for them to get started on their education and discover all the fun things that are out there waiting for them!

And to be honest.................I'm also excited to get some time to myself for a change! For over 6 years the three of us have been inseparable, I know it will be a little tough for us all at first, but it will be SO good too!!

Things to fight over!

As any parent knows, kids fight about everything and anything. Who goes first, who gets the first slice of cake, who gets the first story, who gets out of the bath before the other. My twins seem to have made a career out of it though, and they started almost as soon as they could talk.

They fought over who would be first to be fastened into their car seats, and who would be first to be taken out, who would get their milk cup filled before the other, who got a dish of food put onto the table before the other. They sit in the car arguing over the fact that one of them is looking out of the other's window! Really? And the DVD screens, they have one each but..... "Jamie's looking at my TV!" It's the same movie, does it really matter?

I can recall similar fights with my brother and sister, although as a kid we didn't have in-car entertainment, we had crayons and coloring books, no such thing as MP3 players, we had to listen to the radio station our parents selected - if the car had a radio! Now our children seem to have every convenience at their fingertips, but the old fights remain. "I am not sitting in the middle on the sofa!" or "I want a seat by a lamp, why don't I have a seat by a lamp?"And "Oliver's cup has more juice than mine!"

It was (and still is) totally and completely maddening. I have ignored so much of it, tried - often in vain - to ensure they each receive drinks at exactly the same time but now I think they have reached new highs............or would that be lows?I cannot believe what they are fighting over now!

BUBBLES!

Yes, bubbles! They fight over who has the most bubbles in the bath! They demand I share them out (I refuse) and argue if a bubble 'fort wall' should inadvertently and innocently float over to the 'wrong' side of the bath! I can't get my head around it. Why fight over bubbles? What importance do they have?

Does it really matter? Well, obviously in the world of my twins it does. I can't wait for this all to stop, and I just really, really hope it DOES stop and soon, because I have no idea how much longer I can deal with this type of sibling rivalry!!

Bubbles.............!

Disabled

Wikipedia defines the term 'disabled' as:

"A disability may be physical, cognitive, mental, sensory, emotional, developmental or some combination of these. Disabilities is an umbrella term, covering impairments, activity limitations, and participation restrictions. An impairment is a problem in body function or structure.

"I could carry on but it's really not necessary! I have 'officially' been classified as disabled. My doctor has said I will probably not be able to work again and accordingly will place such a note in my medical records and has signed a form for me to receive a disabled placard for my car. On the one hand it's quite nice because I get to park close to the stores where I shop, but on the other hand it's horrible to think I am now classified as a disabled person. I know I now use a stick to help maintain my balance while walking, because my balance and coordination are so 'off' but it's a new thing to accept. A new big thing. AGAIN! I wonder how many more things are coming my way, the 'not good' things? I am hoping that I have my quota for now, it certainly seems I have more than enough to deal with right now!

This week has been an incredibly hard one for me. I had two evening meetings back to back at the start of the week, and whether it was coincidence or not (I think not) they knocked me for six. I was so tired, so sore and aching the next day that I could barely walk on Wednesday and awoke in the early hours with a blinding headache. Chuck called in sick for me so I didn't have to worry about getting up early and getting the boys ready for school. I was little better Thursday, so was incredibly grateful to have him home again. Friday was a long day as I had to go to Denver to see my rheumatologist and I am waiting for the results of my blood work right now.

Saturday was a really, really bad day. I suddenly felt like I was going to die! I crawled into bed fully clothed as I was so cold and even pulled an additional quilt on top of me. I tried to sleep but had to get up for a bucket as I thought I would throw up. I lay in bed part awake and part asleep for almost 3 hours when I felt somewhat better and was able to get up. Who knows what all that was about!Today things have been heading a little more towards normal for me, although I am still slightly dizzy and feeling incredibly tired. Chuck is back at work tomorrow, and it's his long week, so no day off until Sunday. I will just get through it as best I can!

My Head is a Dashboard Compass

Ever since I complained to my rheumatologist last year that my dizziness was getting worse both he and my neurologist have asked me to describe the dizziness. Is the room moving, is my head moving, what exactly is dizzy?

It's very, very hard to determine that. If you get dizzy, you don't stop to analyze it, you just think "Whoa, that's not nice!" I know I can't lean my head back to look up at a shelf, or the ceiling or clouds. I know it's sometimes hard to lean down and look at the floor, but what bit is moving? I have no idea!

So it's a question that has puzzled me for some time and last week, when I was lying in bed unable to sleep, the answer suddenly popped into my head.

My head is a dashboard compass!

You can buy a compass that attaches to your dashboard and inside floats a ball that changes direction as the car turns. Well my head feels like that. It feels like I move my head, and the brain inside (if it is indeed a brain) turns a little later. It seems to float on it's own and pivots at will. Walking is especially hard because my 'inner' head seems to be floating all over the place while my 'outside' head is steady!!

I will be interested to hear what my doctors make of this description, but now I have it worked out I am wondering why it took me so long to come up with the answer, because this analogy is just perfect!!

How sad to have a floating compass as a brain!

Mother's Pride

These thoughts have been going around in my head for years, since my twins were born actually. It was early on after their birth (when the hormones were probably still raging) and I was driving back from the grocery store listening to George Michael's 'Listen Without Prejudice'. It's a great album but one track at the time particularly affected me.

Although I had listened to it many times before and have since, each time I hear it now I realise once again how having children changes your life in more ways than you can ever imagine possible.

On that particular day, the words of the song 'Mother's Pride' moved me deeply. It's about women saying goodbye to the men they love, be it husbands, sons or lovers and waving them off to war.

Suddenly I understood something I had never before considered.

Children have a capacity to hurt you in way you would never have thought of. Not by being mean, or rude, or naughty, but by getting hurt, or sick, wounded or killed. By going off to fight a war and not come home.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to lose a child, no parent ever wants to find that out for themselves. I know war is almost a fact of life, and this is not an anti-war message, but it's a message about the effect of war on the people left behind - I think.

I cried driving home that day (again, I blame it on the hormones) but I have never forgotten it and while this isn't meant to be a morbid post, it IS meant to show that things that are familiar, that are everyday can change when you have children.

I recently re-discovered 'Listen Without Prejudice' and it brought back all those thoughts from almost 6 years ago and I decided I had to write them down. The words of the song are here, I hope George won't mind if I get them a little wrong, this is from memory!

Mother's Pride

Oh she knows, she takes his hand

And prays the child will understand

At the door, they watch the men go by

In the clothes that Daddy wore

Mother's pride

Baby boy

His father's eyes

He's a soldier waiting for a war

Time will come

He'll hold a gun

His father's son.

As he grows, he hears the band

Takes the step from boy to man

At the shore, she waves her son goodbye

Like the man she did before

Mother's pride

Just a boy

His country's eyes

He's a soldier waving at the shore

And in her heart, time has come

To lose a son.

And all the husband, all the sons, all the lovers gone

It makes no difference

No difference in the end

Still hear the women say "Your daddy died a hero"

In the name of God and man

Mother's pride

Crazy boy

His lifeless eyes

He's a soldier now for evermore

He'll hold a gun

'Til kingdom come.

New Year = Same Old, Same Old!

When we welcome in a New Year we all hope for a better year, a brighter year, good luck, happiness and good health. So what the heck happened to my New Year??

It's only January 20th and I have already had problems and been hit with a big 'whammy'!

The start of the year found me experiencing problems with my eyes. My left eye in particular felt like there was grit in it, and it was so sore to blink and look around. I spent the best part of one weekend with a tissue held to my eye to keep it closed to see if that would help - it didn't. After 4 days of feeling like I had been in a sandstorm I gave in and called my ophthalmologist. One of the concerns with MS is a complication called Optic Neuritis and I wanted to ensure I wasn't developing that. I had numerous exams, my eyes were dilated (which I totally hate) and he found absolutely nothing wrong. That was good but didn't explain what was going on. He also didn't think it was allergies but he gave me some eye drops to see if it would help.

The following week I was at an appointment with my rheumatologist and mentioned the problem with my eyes, we talked about various things, he sent me off for blood work and other tests and that was that.

All that brings us to this week. On Tuesday I was at the neurologist's office discussing the fact that the steroid treatments don't really help my symptoms for long, and it was suggested I may be referred up to the University of Colorado Hospital in Denver because my case was becoming more complex and difficult to treat. My balance and coordination was checked again, and I am still in danger of falling over the moment I close my eyes so things are not much improved.

The neurologist called my rheumatologist to talk about me and the blood work I had done, and when she came back in announced something that was a big surprise to me. I have another auto-immune disease - that brings me to three now - or is it four - I am losing count! Now I have something called Sjogrens Syndrome. It's the cause for my dry eyes, my sore throat and the need to drink during eating to prevent my occasional bouts of choking, because Sjogrens doesn't just attack the tear ducts and salivary glands, it DESTROYS them!

I sat in the office and listened to what my doctor had to say. My medications are to remain to same until I am referred to see the neurologists in Denver and then I left and headed out to my car to drive home. I was OK.

But halfway home I started crying.

Maybe I am not OK.

I am not OK.

Another New Year!

Where does the time go to? It seems like only months ago that we were all talking about the new millennium, the worries over changing computers to the year 2000 and here we are now, in 2011, and I have no idea how that happened so fast!

I often think of how much I have achieved since my mum died when I was 25. I have lived an entire life without her, but last night I was thinking about how much has happened since we were all anticipating the turn of the year in 2000!

Over the past ten years and in no particular order:

• Chuck and I bought a new home.
• We made two trips back to the UK.
• My eldest nephew had a daughter, my niece a son and my youngest nephew two girls.
• I got laid off from work 3 times!
• I had twins.
• I gained a degree in project management.
• I lobbied for, and succeeded in getting a park built in our neighborhood.
• I grew my hair long, cut it short and grew it long again.
• I gave up making mosaics and taught myself knitting instead.
• I made some great new friends.
• Got two staples in my head!
• Chuck and I filed for bankruptcy (ongoing).
• I sold my knitting items at craft shows with my friend Molly and helped my friend Jen, in a small way, start her own business.
• I have learned to give myself daily shots for my MS.
• I was diagnosed with numerous illnesses and ailments, but was able to give up taking all medications for my asthma which I have had since birth - must be the good Colorado air!
• I became a stay at home mum.
• I had an ovary removed and had knee surgery.
• I have gained weight (not good) and will be working on losing that this year.
• I fell in love with my Nintendo and my Roomba!
• I got the boys into a great school for their kindergarten year!
• I have 'lost' two good friends back to their home country of Australia

That's all that comes to mind right now, but it's certainly a lot! Isn't it amazing what you can pack into 10 years? I wonder what the next ten will bring? Hopefully better health for me, great schooling for the boys (they've already made a good start) and more friends and happy times! I don't know if we will get to stay in our house once the bankruptcy is complete, but as long as I can stay in this area I will be more than happy!