New Year, New Me!

2013 was a tough year for so many people, including me! In fact the past three years or so have not been too kind.

In the past three years I have filed for bankruptcy, lost my home, moved to a rental, experienced the death of my father, filed for legal separation from my husband and moved home again!

It has been very hard, but despite that I am feeling very optimistic about the coming year. I have many really, really good friends who support me and help me and for some strange reason - feed me. God knows I don't need fattening up,  but it's such a nice and kind gesture that I am very grateful for.

On top of everything else, I turned 60 this past September and I have to be honest and admit I do not like getting older. And sixty seems SO old. But to help me through it my friends and I took a trip to Santa Fe to celebrate. We had a fantastic time, 6 of us in one enormous room, we laughed, shared secrets, shopped, dined out and generally enjoyed ourselves. So much so that we plan another trip again soon, somewhere closer to home where we won't spend quite so much money, but still have a wonderful time. I cannot wait!

The boys will be 9 in a few weeks, they are growing fast, argue and fight with each other as well as me, but throughout the day, they come to me for a hug or to tell me they love me, so somewhere along the way, despite my doubts, I know I am doing something right.

And in August I am flying home to the UK for a long awaited visit to see my sister. The boys will be here with their dad and I will be foot loose and fancy free for 3 entire weeks. Jean has never been to Cornwall, I can barely believe that, so she is going to leave her kids and grand kids behind and she and I will be taking a girl's trip together. I can hardly wait. We have never done anything like this before, never had time just to ourselves and it's going to be really good to share that together.

So I have high hopes for the new year. The turmoil, worry and doubt of the past couple of years should be safely behind me now and I am looking forward to some good times with my friends and family.

The Dark Ages

My day started off innocently enough! TV on to catch the weather forecast, chasing Oliver to eat his breakfast and clean his teeth before school, Jamie was staying home as his asthma was really bad.

 

All normal enough. Then at 10:20am, the hammer fell!! The TV went off, I couldn't email, my land line phone was dead, WiFi was out - we had no internet or cable service!

 

After 30 minutes I called Xfinity. It was a recorded message, part of which gleefully advised me that I could check the status of my connection and/or repairs using my handheld device, PC or laptop!! Really? I can do that............ when I have no service? Amazing! The recorded message proceeded to tell me that there was an outage in my area, that Xfinity would work around the clock to fix the problem and they expected service to be back later in the day!! WHAT??

 

I work from home, suddenly I was dead in the water! I hate having my plans changed like that. So I went grocery shopping instead. Jamie and I came home and ate lunch.

 

12:00 noon = no service

1:00pm = no service

 

I called Xfinity again, their recorded message still advises to use my computer to check on outages, but also adds that service should be restored by 2:00pm. OK, that's not so bad, we can deal with that. I can catch up with my work later. Jamie is a little bored but I persuade him that another hour isn't long to wait.

 

2:00pm = no service

 

Xfinity's recorded message now announces that "We are not accepting calls at this time." Wonder why?"

 

I resort to cleaning, how bad is my life? Jamie is a little fed up but is playing a computer game that does not require online connectivity. When he tires of that we sit and watch a DVD together 'The Last Mimsy.' I quite like that movie, mainly because the rabbit is so cute!

 

3:00pm = no service

4:00pm = no service

 

The Xfinity not so helpful helpline now advises that the outage will be fixed by three. In which time zone I wonder!

 

5:00pm and Jamie and I head over to the school to collect Oliver who has stayed late for a group. We eventually get back at 5:25pm, and lo and behold, all services are now back on!!

 

But no office work for me, now it's time to prepare dinner, help with homework and generally get on with household and parenting duties.

 

My day without my computer was long and frustrating. And perhaps I should call Xfinity and let them know that trying to use a computer to check an outage is really not feasible!

It's just as they say.............

............no-one is lying about it.

The adverts on TV are right.

SHINGLES DOES HURT! And yes, I am shouting.

I thought I had been bitten by a spider, two or three times, on my right breast. And then I started to worry that I had been bitten by a really bad spider. A dangerous, nasty one, that attacked in the night, because I had so much pain in my shoulder blade. So sore it hurt to lie on my back in bed, but my arm hurt too, and my boob, so lying on my side wasn't very comfortable at all!

One week ago, I was in so much pain I was prepared to go to the emergency room, but I really didn't want pay the $50 + charge for going there. And after all, it was just a spider bite wasn't it? But last Monday I decided enough was enough and called my doctor, I was too uncomfortable to go on. I almost canceled at the last minute because I thought perhaps I was being a little over dramatic.

My doctor took one look at the 'bite' marks and told me I had shingles. I was so pissed off! I had already asked him about getting the shingles vaccine, but he smirked and said it was too late now!!

And to add insult to injury, he told me I could expect to be in some pain for at least another month! Oh great!

And then he added, "You do know you are infectious don't you?" but before I could comment on that he said "But only if you rub your boob on anyone!" And started laughing. He was in a great mood!  I was still pissed off!!

Saturday........Sunday.........

Monday.........Tuesday...........

and on Wednesday.......school starts!! YAY!

The start of a new school year means SO much to me! It's that wonderful day when I get a chance to enjoy some peace and quiet. When I get a chance to catch up on work, cleaning and laundry. When I am able to meet friends for a quiet tea and scone, when I get to grocery shop without little boys wanting everything they see. When I get a chance to get my hair cut, sit and read.....relax.........rest!

I love my boys. I do. I love them dearly. But the summer is long, too long I think for this Brit who is used to an 8 week summer break. My boys don't want to go back to school, they want to stay home forever! I have told them they have to go, they don't want to go, although both have said they are looking forward to seeing their friends again and both have declared recess their favorite 'subject' at school!

They had a good summer. They went bowling, went to the movies, went out to California for two weeks to visit their grandparents. They had play dates and sleep overs and entire days where they just wanted to stay home and hang out. We went out for lunch a few times, just me and my boys, they are good company and well behaved in a restaurant. So we all had a good summer. But I for one am counting down the days now until they return to school.

They will be 3rd graders! I am trying to impress upon them that there will be more work this term, that they will have to study and do their homework without complaint. They both nods their heads seriously to agree with me, we will see how that goes!

There is a feel of autumn in the air, the light is different, the nights are drawing in and temperatures are lower at night. I love this time of year, the seasons are changing and the weather is so enjoyable.

Tomorrow, perhaps I will take them out to lunch, who knows? They have to get a haircut before school - and our 'tradition' is to get a hair cut and then go to Smash burger for lunch and a shake. So we have to arrange that. Tuesday is the ice cream social and registration, bath night, early to bed night and we will be ready for the new term!!

Changes

It's been a very long time since I posted. And a lot has changed in my life.

I am not sure what caused the shift, perhaps it was my dad's funeral, perhaps it was my age, perhaps it was just the right time, I really don't know. But over the past year or two I have become more and more aware that I shouldn't remain married. I needed a separation, a new part of my life to begin. I love my children and their father will always be a part of our life, but I decided a separation, a legal separation was what I needed in order to move forward and to be happy again.

The decision making was the hardest thing I have ever done. I spent many, many nights lying awake, crying, making resolutions, deciding, and each morning questioning my night time decisions. What would a separation do to me, to my husband and most importantly, to my children?

I realized I would never, ever know if I had adversely affected all their lives, or mine for that matter. We never know if we had taken 'that' road, how things would have turned out, we only know what happens as we live our lives.

It took me about a year to decide to file for a separation. It was so hard. Actually signing the papers was easy, telling my husband I had filed was not, but I couldn't let him find out when he was served with the papers, he deserved more than that. And once I told him, life got harder, if that was even possible. He was naturally, angry, upset and hurt. He thought I was sick, wrong and perhaps even stupid. We argued and cried, but I knew I had done the right thing, even though I was struggling so much with my decision.

Many more sleepless nights followed. Many more days of doubt and indecision. Many, many weeks of trying to remain determined, trying to be certain that what I was doing wasn't purely selfish, that it was right for all of us. Just moving forward, day by day, hoping for the best.

I won't go into details concerning the separation, there is no need for that. Nor will I discuss here the reasons I decided to go ahead with a separation. I know many people do not understand me. I know many of my friends supported me. I was and still am so grateful that they were they to listen and console and comfort and help me through the most difficult time of my life.

So I am now a 'single' woman in the eyes of the law. I cannot remarry unless I move forward with divorce proceedings, but I have no plans to remarry. I have no plans to start dating. I want to be me. I want to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. I want to make my own decisions. I want to guide my boys, to help them learn and grow up to be kind and thoughtful and honest.

So what happened last Christmas?

Last Christmas kind of disappeared down the drain!

 

My dad died last Thanksgiving, and I had to quickly arrange a flight home to the UK for his funeral. While it was lovely to see my family it was a hard reason for my trip. I actually got back to the US too late to send Christmas cards to friends and family in the UK and Europe, so I let it go. I also didn't get cards out to friends and family in the US, nor did I write my Christmas letter because I just didn't feel like it.

Last year we didn't decorate outside although of course we put up the tree in the living room. But it seemed I had barely gotten home, done laundry and caught up with the household chores before the boys were out of school and the holiday was upon us.

This year, I am feeling a little smug, although I am trying not to because you know what happens when you think you have a handle on things! The tree has been up since just after Thanksgiving. The fireplace is adorned with the Christmas village and tons of lights. There are lights and decorations (just a few) in the front garden and the elf has been here a week or two now keeping an eye on the twins.

Yesterday I mailed ALL of my cards, Australia, UK and US. DONE! It is such a good feeling. Christmas presents?? All bought, some are wrapped. Krispie treats in tins for friends? Ingredients bought, tins bought and lined with parchment paper. In addition, some stealth projects are in the process of being knit and I am feeling pretty pleased with myself.

I know what I am making for Christmas dinner (lamb), I know what pies I am ordering from my favorite pie supplier (Village Inn) and I have all the fixings in the house for my current favorite drink - fuzzy naval!!

WOO HOO! Sounds too good to be true?? But it is, and I am one happy camper!

I always had big boobs!

And I only really liked them when I was in my early twenties and they were still (kind of) perky and attractive looking. My boobs developed quickly and early. I can still recall I was playing in the back garden with friends when my mum got home from work and called me into the house. She had bought me a bra, told me I was too big to be running around without one. It was very pretty, but OMG I can still feel how tight it seemed to be around my chest, how constricting it felt. I was just ten or eleven!!

Over the years I gues I have adapted to big boobs, to the jokes from friends - male of course - about how I would need extra long skis to balance me out otherwise I would be falling on my face all the time! I learned very quickly there were some outfits I really couldn't wear, some tops that just were not suitable. And I also learned that it was tough to find a nice, pretty, supportive and comfortable bra. Any weight I gained seemed to go straight to my chest, and it's almost impossible to lose it from that area!

And gradually, the weight of those boobs weighed me down. I began to suffer neck and back problems. I have degenerative disc disease and over time I have found it harder and harder to stand for even short periods of time without pain. Summer added in another problem, or two. The heat caused rashes underneath my boobs, my bras were uncomfortable and tight and the straps left deep indentations on my shoulders. 

When I realized I couldn't turn my head fully to the left or right I decided something had to be done and in June I decided enough was enough and went to see a plastic surgeon. He immediately told me I was a very good candidate for a breast reduction, that my size 38DDD were just too large for my small 5' 2" frame. He sent the paperwork and photographs off to the insurance company and less than two weeks later they responded with a YES! I was going to have my surgery, and it was fully covered! YAY! I was so excited.

I had my surgery exactly 2 weeks ago today. I am sore and bruised, but I am small and perky and so very, very happy. I am still swollen and am wearing a sports bra 24 hours a day for support and compression but already I have felt a major difference in my back and neck. The surgeon removed a little over 3lbs of tissue! THREE POUNDS! That's like a bag and a half of sugar, or three large cans of tomatoes! What a difference. My eventual size will be 34B and I think it looks great. My clothes fit differently, better, nicer, but now my stomach seems bigger! I can't afford a tummy tuck, so think I am off to invest in a pair of Spanx!!

Another year.......

.....has come and gone. And I am SO bad at blogging. I just don't seem to find the time anymore! But I am going to try and do better!! 

Jamie and Oliver

The boys started 2nd grade last Tuesday and they really love their new teacher, Mrs. Wilson. I have volunteered to host a book club in their class, it won't start just yet as everyone is settling into the new routine and getting into the habit of sitting still and learning again!!

Summer seems to have been both long and short! How can that be? I think while you are in the midst of it, when the boys are looking for things to do and are starting to get bored with everything then the summer seems so very long. But from this side of it, now they are back in school, it seems to have flown by.

We went bowling once a week, took in some new movies and ate out. We went on picnics, play dates and every week visited our local library to participate in their kids program. Through that the boys got to meet llamas, critters, rabbits, crabs and spiders. They told stories, took part in the annual reading club, watched magic shows and did crafts. I am not sure how I would cope without our local library!!

I got a fair bit of knitting done, and managed to fit my part time job in there also! There were many days when the laundry and dusting were completely forgotten, but we all had fun, and that's what counts at the end of the day isn't it?

Raccoon print on the pool wall

It's been a very long, hot and dry summer. The lake in Palmer Lake has completely dried up and the annual 4th of July fireworks were canceled due to the fire danger. We were on standby to evacuate due to fires but luckily did not have to leave our homes. This summer I saw a bear wandering down the street in broad daylight, a mountain lion spent some time sitting in my neighbor's front garden, and I have been woken by the raccoons running over our roof at night. We also found a raccoon paw print on the boy's pool one morning!

Occasionally now, there is the hint of autumn in the air, cooler weather is on the way and I am ready for a change.

It's been a while......

I just checked out my blog and I haven't posted since February! I can hardly believe that, and yet a small part of me can. There have been a few times when I thought I should add a post, but I was too busy, too tired, about to go out, had to work, had to do nothing......that kind of thing!!

So now it's Memorial weekend, the unoffical start to summer and it's windy as hell here and a little chilly at times too. Despite that I just got back from a fantastic afternoon at my friend Racquel's house. She had family and friends (that would be me) over for a barbecue and I discovered her husband Chris is THE best cook ever. He should own a restaurant, he really should. The food, ribs, chicken, grilled pineapple, sweetcorn and more were absolutely delicious. I tried to leave the house with the leftover ribs but got stopped on the way!!

And even better than the food was that the boys just disappeared with Racquel's kids for the afternoon and I was able to relax and talk and laugh and had so much fun!

The boys finished first grade on Friday so are now off school for the entire summer. Right now I am not sure what I am going to do with them for all those weeks, I have some projects planned, some playdates planned and just have to hope we all get through it unscathed!! They are 7 now, love to test us both, love to argue as they know EVERYTHING of course but I love them to bits and it does my heart good when they want to sit on my knee and cuddle because I know that's not going to last for much longer.

I finished working at the school at the end of February, but very quickly a friend offered me a part time job working from home doing some accounting for her. I love it! I make my own hours and it fits in really well with school, vacations, holidays, appointments and sick kids. Plus the extra money does mean I have the ability to buy some yarn now and again (more now than again) as knitting still features big in my life. In fact I have discovered that if I am not knitting something, I am a little bored and fidgety!!

Two in one day!!

This has been running around my head for a while.........

.......we are many things to many people. We have many titles in life, not just our job titles. I have been trying to think of all the things I am and have been:

Wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, great aunt, cousin, friend, grand-daughter, niece, neighbor, customer, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, step-daughter, baby, toddler, child, teenager............

.........I am certain there are more, but I can't think of them right now!

WOW!

It's been a long time since I posted.

Life has been chaotic since my dad died. Often we had a difficult relationship, and we lived so far away from each other, but I miss him. Didn't expect that at all. Not sure why, but I didn't. Because of all the strokes he had in the past his speech was minimal, so we didn't talk much, but it's different knowing he is not there anymore.

Chuck was ill while I was in the UK for my dad's funeral. He didn't cope too well I guess. I think juggling work, the kids and the house was too much for him. I kind of lost it when I got home, I expected him to have done better and to find the house in disarray was very upsetting for me. There is still a lot to be sorted out, but we are getting there. And while the house may not have been the way I would have wanted, the kids were well and fed!

I have resigned my job at the school. Two hours a day, I didn't think that would be a problem for me, but standing for that length of time is just too much. Especially playground duty in the cold and wind. I am back on steroids for my pain, my rheumatologist wants to start cortisone shots in my knees to enable me to manage stairs better and my vitamin D levels are so low I am taking 150,000 units a week for the next three months. I am not yet sure when my work replacement will be found, but right now I am looking forward to resting a little and getting to grips with the housework and all the other things that have been sadly neglected over the past few months.

But in between everything else, I am still knitting! And still find it relaxes and de-stresses me. I have finally finished my 'obligation' knits, so am free to knit what I want, although it's often hard to decide what that may be!

So sad...............

...............my dad died this morning at 8:30am GMT.

I am flying back to the UK on Monday.

RIP dad, we will all miss you!

I am waiting...............

I have been thinking on this today. We all spend a lot of time waiting.

Waiting to see the doctor

Waiting in line at the grocery store

Waiting at a stop sign or traffic lights

Waiting for Christmas to come

We are a patient people!

But the waiting I am doing now is causing me much stress and is very, very difficult. I am waiting for my dad to die.

I should explain that he had a massive stroke on Sunday, so massive there is no chance of his recovering. The right side of his brain was so severely starved of oxygen and permanently damaged that the doctors are not treating him. He is effectively brain dead. He is on oxygen and IV fluids only. All his medications have been stopped, so we are waiting to see what happens, to see how long his frail body can hang onto life.

My stomach is 'funny', I am sad and stressed, just waiting. I want to be in the UK right now, but I have to wait until he has gone, then book a flight home for his funeral. So very sad and so very hard to do.

Time for change............

................I need a new photo, but would need to put makeup on first!!

I got my hair done today and I was SO ready for a change. So ready for something different!

And I got it! My hair stylist Erika is the best ever. No matter what I say when I go in I always, always come out with a fantastic hair cut and a fantastic color and I have never, ever disliked what she has done.

I can go in to the salon - as I did today - and say "I have no idea what I want, but I want something different. You can do whatever color you want, whatever style you want, anything!" She loves it!

So my shoulder length, blond-ish hair is now chin length and deep, dark red!!

It looks great, although it will take some getting used to after so many years of being blond!!

Thanks Erika, you are the best!!

Happy Halloween!

I must be completely Americanized!

I just walked home from the elementary school wearing slippers, pajamas, my hair in pigtails and tied up with big, pink ribbons and a cuddly toy stuffed under my arm.

And I wasn't concerned about it one little bit!

How did that happen?

Some women note that it happens when they turn 40, some when they turn 50.

Not me, didn't happen at 40 or 50, it came about when I was 57! An odd age, but I have suddenly, unexpectedly become comfortable in my body!

I no longer feel I have to wear makeup whenever I go out! I am looking my friends bravely in the face and don't care that my face is bare of foundation, mascara and lipstick!

WHY?

Why did it take so long?

Why did it happen now?

What triggered this change in my mentality?

Life suddenly seems so much easier! I am saving a ton of money on makeup and makeup remover, to say nothing of time! It's pretty easy just showering and going! No worrying about how I look all the time! I know that I do look better with makeup, but before I thought I looked totally AWFUL without makeup, now I don't really care if I do!

I am thinking it's perhaps that so much stress has now been removed from our lives. We love living here, love watching the wildlife and seeing the boys trot up the street to school. No bus, no car, just walking. Pretty much everything we need is right here, the grocery store is not far away and things seem so much more relaxed and friendly.

And I guess that's all there is to it!

Except that it's about time!!

FIVE DAYS!

Just five days, I can barely believe it! When the twins finished kindergarten I was convinced one, two or all three of us would not survive the long, long summer vacation. 13 weeks of vacation to be precise! In my opinion that's way too long for children to be out of school, in the UK the summer holiday is generally around 8 weeks. It makes me wonder if the school districts get a kick back from the summer schools that ramp up over the months the kids are on break!

(Same deal with car manufacturers and the oil companies, but that's another topic!)

But yes, we survived. We went to the park, had a picnic or two, had some play dates and visited the library every Wednesday for the Paws to Read group. Chuck took the boys hiking which allowed me to rest and we all went out in the evening to visit local restaurants, sample ice cream from the Rock House and generally enjoy our summer. Jamie lost 4 teeth, Oliver is still hanging onto all his and they both got really great, short haircuts!

We had friends over to enjoy the fireworks on July 4th and we all loved watching the deer come into our garden each evening to nibble our plants and eat up all the bird seed! We didn't like the bear demolishing our humming bird feeder however, although his nocturnal visit has prevented us from forgetting to bring the feeders in again!

Now the school supplies are sitting on my desk, I have 72 pencils to sharpen (sigh) and final appointments to fit in before the new term (semester) begins next Tuesday. It's a huge landmark for the boys, being at school for an entire day, staying for lunch and not running out of school into my arms at noon, eager to show me their latest piece of artwork.

Some parents bemoan this time, but I am excited for my boys. I am excited for them to get started on their education and discover all the fun things that are out there waiting for them!

And to be honest.................I'm also excited to get some time to myself for a change! For over 6 years the three of us have been inseparable, I know it will be a little tough for us all at first, but it will be SO good too!!

Things to fight over!

As any parent knows, kids fight about everything and anything. Who goes first, who gets the first slice of cake, who gets the first story, who gets out of the bath before the other. My twins seem to have made a career out of it though, and they started almost as soon as they could talk.

They fought over who would be first to be fastened into their car seats, and who would be first to be taken out, who would get their milk cup filled before the other, who got a dish of food put onto the table before the other. They sit in the car arguing over the fact that one of them is looking out of the other's window! Really? And the DVD screens, they have one each but..... "Jamie's looking at my TV!" It's the same movie, does it really matter?

I can recall similar fights with my brother and sister, although as a kid we didn't have in-car entertainment, we had crayons and coloring books, no such thing as MP3 players, we had to listen to the radio station our parents selected - if the car had a radio! Now our children seem to have every convenience at their fingertips, but the old fights remain. "I am not sitting in the middle on the sofa!" or "I want a seat by a lamp, why don't I have a seat by a lamp?"And "Oliver's cup has more juice than mine!"

It was (and still is) totally and completely maddening. I have ignored so much of it, tried - often in vain - to ensure they each receive drinks at exactly the same time but now I think they have reached new highs............or would that be lows?I cannot believe what they are fighting over now!

BUBBLES!

Yes, bubbles! They fight over who has the most bubbles in the bath! They demand I share them out (I refuse) and argue if a bubble 'fort wall' should inadvertently and innocently float over to the 'wrong' side of the bath! I can't get my head around it. Why fight over bubbles? What importance do they have?

Does it really matter? Well, obviously in the world of my twins it does. I can't wait for this all to stop, and I just really, really hope it DOES stop and soon, because I have no idea how much longer I can deal with this type of sibling rivalry!!

Bubbles.............!

Disabled

Wikipedia defines the term 'disabled' as:

"A disability may be physical, cognitive, mental, sensory, emotional, developmental or some combination of these. Disabilities is an umbrella term, covering impairments, activity limitations, and participation restrictions. An impairment is a problem in body function or structure.

"I could carry on but it's really not necessary! I have 'officially' been classified as disabled. My doctor has said I will probably not be able to work again and accordingly will place such a note in my medical records and has signed a form for me to receive a disabled placard for my car. On the one hand it's quite nice because I get to park close to the stores where I shop, but on the other hand it's horrible to think I am now classified as a disabled person. I know I now use a stick to help maintain my balance while walking, because my balance and coordination are so 'off' but it's a new thing to accept. A new big thing. AGAIN! I wonder how many more things are coming my way, the 'not good' things? I am hoping that I have my quota for now, it certainly seems I have more than enough to deal with right now!

This week has been an incredibly hard one for me. I had two evening meetings back to back at the start of the week, and whether it was coincidence or not (I think not) they knocked me for six. I was so tired, so sore and aching the next day that I could barely walk on Wednesday and awoke in the early hours with a blinding headache. Chuck called in sick for me so I didn't have to worry about getting up early and getting the boys ready for school. I was little better Thursday, so was incredibly grateful to have him home again. Friday was a long day as I had to go to Denver to see my rheumatologist and I am waiting for the results of my blood work right now.

Saturday was a really, really bad day. I suddenly felt like I was going to die! I crawled into bed fully clothed as I was so cold and even pulled an additional quilt on top of me. I tried to sleep but had to get up for a bucket as I thought I would throw up. I lay in bed part awake and part asleep for almost 3 hours when I felt somewhat better and was able to get up. Who knows what all that was about!Today things have been heading a little more towards normal for me, although I am still slightly dizzy and feeling incredibly tired. Chuck is back at work tomorrow, and it's his long week, so no day off until Sunday. I will just get through it as best I can!

My Head is a Dashboard Compass

Ever since I complained to my rheumatologist last year that my dizziness was getting worse both he and my neurologist have asked me to describe the dizziness. Is the room moving, is my head moving, what exactly is dizzy?

It's very, very hard to determine that. If you get dizzy, you don't stop to analyze it, you just think "Whoa, that's not nice!" I know I can't lean my head back to look up at a shelf, or the ceiling or clouds. I know it's sometimes hard to lean down and look at the floor, but what bit is moving? I have no idea!

So it's a question that has puzzled me for some time and last week, when I was lying in bed unable to sleep, the answer suddenly popped into my head.

My head is a dashboard compass!

You can buy a compass that attaches to your dashboard and inside floats a ball that changes direction as the car turns. Well my head feels like that. It feels like I move my head, and the brain inside (if it is indeed a brain) turns a little later. It seems to float on it's own and pivots at will. Walking is especially hard because my 'inner' head seems to be floating all over the place while my 'outside' head is steady!!

I will be interested to hear what my doctors make of this description, but now I have it worked out I am wondering why it took me so long to come up with the answer, because this analogy is just perfect!!

How sad to have a floating compass as a brain!