Thank goodness it's almost over!

I am talking about 2009!

It was not the best year for me, I can think of few highlights and lots of low points, which is never good!

At the start of the year I was diagnosed with Lupus, and now take an amazing array of medicines to maintain a 'normal' and active lifestyle. I have also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and moderate to severe disc degeneration - which makes it painful and difficult to stand or walk for very long. The primary medication I take to control the Lupus can affect the eyes, so prior to starting treatment I needed a full 'physical' on my eyes. It was at that first appointment when I discovered I was a 'glaucoma suspect'! I thought perhaps someone should just take me out and shoot me! I now have the pressure in my eyes checked every six months, and so far, so good!

During the summer, my knees were particularly sore and painful and I was struggling to get up and down the stairs. As a result I required surgery on my right knee, which meant spending 6 weeks in a wheelchair. Oh the fun the twins had with that!!

A high point was discovering that I no longer required asthma medications. Living here in Colorado has been very good for my health (as far as my asthma is concered) and the disease I have had since birth is now well controlled...............on nothing but fresh air! I never thought that would happen.

The biggest high point of the year was heading back to the UK for the first time in 8 years! I got to see my family again, had a mini family reunion which was wonderful, and introduced the twins to my family. The low point of that vacation? It was definitely leaving. I cried. I didn't want to come back to America, I wanted to stay close to my family and all the things I love so much. The transition back to life here in Monument was incredibly hard and difficult for me. Only now about 7 months later, am I starting to feel 'at home' again.

Another low point was noticing my hair falling out and becoming very thin. It's a result of both the Lupus and the medication I take to control it. I was incredibly upset when I realized what was happening. I found it hard to style my hair because it was looking stringy and so fine. My hair stylist suggested we no longer highlight my hair, so blonde became brown again and I began using a special array of hair products to help minimize the thinning effect. It took a while to get used to brown hair after being blonde for so many years, but I like it now, and fortunately, there's not too much gray in there!

Of course through the year there are many small high points. Watching the twins grow and make the change from toddlers to boys. They are loud, noisy and annoying! They are loving, cuddly and funny! And often all of those things in the same hour! I am thankful for my friends, who have helped me adjust to this 'new normal' that Lupus has forced onto me, but I am still looking to the New Year in the hope of more high points than low points!

It's Almost Here!

It's 4 days until Christmas, my living room has turned into a winter wonderland and my children have become super-hyped up little boys!

But I am so excited by it all. Living on my own for 20 years Christmas was often a tough time of year. I did have many wonderful Christmases at my sister's house, but watching her children open presents, then showing them all to their neighbors and friends often left me feeling I was on the outside looking in. Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be. Yes I made all the decisions, I decided what I was going to eat, where I was going over the weekend. Summer holidays were spent in my garden, pottering around and reading great books. My house was quiet, there were fields behind my house, also quiet. You could hear a pin drop. I was often lonely. When I got married I had to make SO many adjustments, after all I hadn't just married, I had also left my country of birth. I knew no-one here, there was nothing familiar to comfort me and make me feel secure in the decisions I was making.

And then I had the twins! Was I ready for that - at 51? Yes and no! I thought I was prepared and in many ways I was, but I had completely underestimated how different my life was about to become. I was laid off from work just as I was about to return from maternity leave, so we decided I would stay home and raise the twins. Now they are almost 5, where did those years go to? I have no idea, time passes by so quickly, and this Christmas is really a great one, because the boys are almost 5, they understand what's going to happen. They believe in fairies, the elf that comes to our house to ensure they are good in the run up to Christmas, and they certainly believe in Santa. I am excited to watch them, their eyes lighting up as they count down the days to Christmas Day. I can't wait to see them open their presents, it's going to be an exciting and fun day.

It's a lot of work, moving the elf to a new position every night, wrapping presents when the boys are asleep in bed, trying to keep them from going into the basement where all their presents are wrapped and waiting for the big day. We have floors to clean and shelves to dust. The Christmas train set and ice rink (thank you Eddie and Audrey) have to be put out. We need some lights over the archway into the dining room and the boys want to make gingerbread men cookies!

The best thing I ever accomplished in my life are my children! And the lonely years staying home to take care of them was hard and sometimes boring, but always I have been grateful to have been able to raise the boys from birth. To see them crawl and take their first step. To hear them start to speak and watch their faces as they discovered something new!

I don't think I have looked forward to a Christmas more than this one. I am no longer on the outside looking in, I am right in the middle of everything. I know what my Christmas presents are, I don't care if there are no surprises, I am getting what I want. The best part is going to be watching the boys rip into the paper and discover all the wonderful toys Santa has left for them. I love this season, it's even going to snow for Christmas Day, could anything be more perfect?

Guys

Whenever I ask Jamie what he did at preschool his answer is always the same. It's a solemn "I cannot know." It makes me smile, but leaves me in the dark as to his activities each morning. Today though, I am gaining some insight into what my boys do in school.

My twins have 'guys', they've had them since they began to talk. The guys have strange names like Teetsee and Dukrak, and they are all over the place. I have never seen them, but they are the ones responsible for the swings in the back garden that have been going to and fro all afternoon. I thought it was the wind, but my boys told me it was their guys.

Their guys were on the plane with us when we flew to the UK earlier this year, and while it seems that Teetsee mostly lives in the top of a tree, he also lives under London Bridge! Right now the guys are in my house. They have been skateboarding and are now fighting Master Roshi from the Dragon BallZ cartoon. But the guys have also been to school this afternoon, one of them became the helper for snack time, a high honor! He had to wash his hands first and got his sleeves wet. Another guy was selected to ring the bell! They have danced and sung songs for the Christmas concert next week, because of course the guys have a starring role, and know all the words for the songs they will sing.

The guys are never blamed for anything bad in the house, or any toy that gets broken or any fight that is started. The guys are always the ones who do good things, they help the twins go to sleep and regularly drive to school with us, then wait in the car in the dark garage until it's time to go collect the boys.

I like these guys, they are easy to get on with, have a strange language of their own - which of course my twins can understand - while I cannot! I wonder how long they are going to be a part of our lives?

How quickly time goes by

I can barely believe that Christmas is around the corner. How did that happen? In fact the entire year seems to have rushed by in a flash. Early in the year I was anticipating our 3 week trip back to the UK, of course that was wonderful, and I got to meet up with so many friends and family, but 3 weeks is just never enough! All the plans I had to visit different places just fell by the wayside as we tried to fit in as much as possible in the time we had. We arrived back home in time for the twins to enjoy their last day of preschool before they broke up for summer.

Once again I planned to do lots of things with the boys, we had the entire summer ahead of us. I wanted to go to the zoo, go up Pike's Peak, have lots of picnics in the park, summer crafts - all sorts of things. I was so excited about the good times I had planned. And then I had knee surgery! I was stuck in a wheelchair for 6 weeks. Plus it rained a lot through the summer, much more rain than we ever experience here. Before I knew what was happening I was starting to prepare for the boys to head back to school!

And here we are. November 14, only two weeks until Thanksgiving and 6 weeks until Christmas! How did that happen? When I was single, it often seemed as if time was standing still. Life was slower altogether and I meandered through my weekends off work and my summer holidays. Pottered around in my garden, spent lazy afternoons reading a good book, and even stayed in bed VERY late reading the Sunday paper! Now two screaming little boys lurch through our bedroom door around 6.30am and hurl themselves on our bed. They don't understand how to whisper and be quiet, quiet is not a concept they get! So our days start early, if reluctantly, and the rest of the day just flies by in a blur!

I need to get started on Christmas cards and present lists. If I want to mail anything to my family in the UK I have to think ahead to ensure I don't miss the post! I certainly need more specifics on the toys the twins want Santa to bring them this year, a moon "thingy" is not really helpful to me! I need to go online and see what's the best price and where. I need to make photograph calendars for my family, it's a great way for them to see what the boys have been up to during the year. I need to think about food for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Chuck has no time off this year other than Christmas Day, so I have a feeling I will be doing a HUGE grocery shop with the boys in tow! Not looking forward to that at all! The boys have read and re-read the ToysRUs catalog, they want just about everything in it, except the items Oliver says are "girlish"!

It's another year almost done, but I am loving the season. The boys are so excited, they spent the day yesterday pretending they were Santa delivering present. They tied their favorite cuddly toys up in their baby blankets, handed them to each other - or me - so they could be unwrapped and enjoyed! Their delight in the snow, and the 'cel'bation' as Jamie calls it makes it so much fun for me! If nothing else, seeing and sharing these celebrations and events with them will keep me young! (As long as it doesn't kill me first!)

The funny things they say! 3

Oliver is a great talker, despite the fact that some of my friends rarely hear him. When we are out in the car, I get a running commentary from both boys on the things they see, the shapes in the clouds and anything else that takes their fancy.

Driving back home through Palmer Lake last week we passed the preschool. The boys were excited to spot it and Jamie asked was it Kindergarten, at which point Oliver piped up and said "No, it's a graveyard school".

A graveyard school?? What?? I must have misheard. So I asked Oliver to say it again and he said "It's a graveyard school!" I started laughing although I was totally puzzled over what he meant and where the phrase had come from.

Oliver was getting cross at me because I was laughing, so I made a supreme effort, stopped giggling and asked him where he had heard that term before. "From Kylie! Her mummy says Kylie goes to graveyard school now!!"

The penny dropped, Oliver meant 'grade school'! I have absolutely no idea where he got the word graveyard from, but his take on things has put grade school into a whole new perspective for me!

A record setting day??

I was out last night, playing bunco with my friends and neighbors, and while I was home a little after 10 and didn't drink anything stronger than lemonade, I was so very tired this morning. One thing I have found since being diagnosed with an auto-immune disease is how my energy is very quickly spent, I have to clean the house in short spurts, and tackle just a few chores each day. But this morning I struggled to get out of bed and the boys were full of beans and jumping all over me demanding I wake up! How can I resist those sweet little voices?

I wondered how my day was going to pan out, often when I am extra tired the boys pick up on it and create mayhem and madness in the house and I have neither the energy or the patience to deal with them. Right now it's coming up to 2.30pm and the day so far has been calm, quiet and incredibly easy. My boys are currently 'into' Play Doh, so much so that this is the 3rd day in a row that they have played with it, and today they are setting records!

They got the Play Doh out of the cupboard at 9.30am this morning, and they are still playing with it! That's 5 hours and they are showing no sign of stopping! They have all their action figures out and have made boats and space ships for them. The Power Rangers 'guys' - as my two love to call them - have been wrapped up in clay with just their heads out, they have fashioned chains to go around their legs and waists and have dive bombed each other's toys with Play Doh rockets.

They have made pizzas and birthday cakes, candles, cookies and ice cream in cones, and "wriggly worms that don't wriggle!" So far, and perhaps I should touch wood here, there hasn't been a single cross word, not a single fight and the day has been incredibly restful for me.

I think I need to look at buying Plasticine for them though - it's what I used to play with way back when and long before Play Doh was invented - and it always remains soft and pliable. The only problem with my boys playing with their Play Doh this long is that most of it is getting hard and unmanageable, but I am not complaining! I will willingly buy them new pots in return for this wonderful, relaxing day!

IT'S OFFICIAL!!

It's a new record for Play Doh! The boys started at 9.30am this morning and we just cleaned it all away at 5.35pm! 8 complete hours of creativity, no arguments, no fighting or squabbles! I had a lovely, restful day and the boys are my little stars!!!

Why?

Perhaps I am tired to day, because all these silly thoughts keep cropping up:

Why is it that when I have an appointment, and leave early for it, all the lights are green and I arrive at my destination too soon? And of course, when I am running a little late for something all the lights are against me!

Why does the phone ring when I am hauling grocery bags, trying to get my key in the door and the dog is barking like an insane creature?

Why can't men multi-task yet they can fight evil demons and gain extra bonuses at the same time in a video game?

Why does one small glass of spilled milk cover an area with the square footage of Texas?

Why does clean hair squeak when it's wet?

Why can't men see dust?

Why do weeds thrive without water, while my plants look all limp and weary?

Why do my twins insist that spaghetti is not pasta?

Why can't men see that the toilet needs cleaning? They stand up and look at it countless times a day!

Why is it that when you can't sleep and are up all night, your children never stir, but when you are fast asleep they are standing by the side of the bed whispering "Mummy! Mummy, wake up!"

Why can't men take 5 minute showers?

Who decided that green should be called green? Or blue should be called blue?

Why does everyone say freeway, runway and highway, but not railway?

Watch out for my new American/English dictionary...............coming soon!!

Twins!

I am so glad I have twins. I am watching them playing together at the moment, they are creating Play Doh monsters, they are sharing so nicely, the house is quiet aside from their giggling and chatting, which is wonderful to listen to and I am appreciating my lot.

Of course twins are such hard work, and so very expensive. The difficulties of 2 hourly feeds through the night, the burping, the soothing and the diaper changes. Oh the cost of diapers, I would hate to work out how much we spent on diapers, I couldn't wait for them to be potty trained and that drain on our finances gone! Then there's the price of two baby car seats, the double stroller, two cradles, two cribs and all the associated bedding and blankets. Double the amount of crib toys and rattles, two times the clothes and shoes. The cost of car seats once they have outgrown their baby seats. Winter coats, boots and hats, summer jackets, sandals and hats. Two times the toys, the teddies and the balls. Two times the blocks, the pirates and the cars. The ride on toys, tricycles and bicycles. It's a riot of color and noise and mayhem.

Twins are great, it's a built in playmate, someone to whisper to at night when you are tucked up in bed, someone to share your imaginary games, and someone to yell at (and occasionally hit) when the game doesn't 'work right' or one twin steals a toy from the other.

It's an expensive business. It's every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment of your life. Having a baby changes things in more ways than you could ever imagine. Having twins is double that, and more! It's challenging, tiring, funny, sad sometimes and wonderful! Of course if the boys weren't sitting playing so nicely - as they have been for the past 2 hours - my view here would be completely different. But I am making the most of this afternoon!

It's great having twins!

It's time for a haircut!

I had a dream last night, where I was standing in my bathroom just randomly cutting off pieces of my hair, and when I had finished I had gone from shoulder length light brown, to short, spiky black! And it was the most stylish and attractive haircut I had ever had! Spiky in all the right places and it so suited my face, which appeared at least 20 years younger! I was thrilled! Of course when I got up this morning and looked in the mirror it did make me wonder whether my inner self was telling me to cut my hair! Perhaps it's time for a change, but I think short hair demands a young, fresh face, and I feel none of that applies to me. In my mind longer hair makes me look younger, and it could be all my family and friends think the opposite, who knows? Plus I can hide behind my long hair, it's a useful security blanket at times!

Anyway, today turned into haircut day in the Wadge household. The boys go back to school tomorrow, they start pre-k, and I want them to look decent. Oliver spends most of his day peering out from between his too long bangs (fringe for my UK readers) and although his hair is very fine, he needs a good cut because it's far too long. Jamie has thick hair, and it's all over the place. It grows so fast I can't keep up with it, yet both of them hate having their hair cut and will scream and wriggle through the entire process, often ending up with a lop-sided haircut that they refuse to let us adjust!

Chuck started out cutting Jamie's hair and while it was nice and short and spiky on the top, he wouldn't let us use the razor at the back to equal it out. He let me trim around his ears and his neck with scissors and that was that! It was a buzz cut mullet! Oliver cried the entire 5 minutes he let Chuck loose on his hair, but did stop while I straightened up the edges and around his ears. I also cut his fringe so we could see his lovely blue eyes! But he wouldn't let us do anymore, and it's so hard to keep a squirming 4 year old still!

In the end I had a bright idea - and apologise now to everyone who is against bribing their children! I offered the twins a bag of Twizzlers each if they let us give them a full buzz cut! There was almost a stampede to the bathroom!! Each boy sat on my knee facing me, while Chuck got to work! In no time at all they both had really nice haircuts. They want some hair gel so they can spike it and we have promised to get that when we go grocery shopping later.

I went out into the office and left Chuck to clear up in the bathroom, (there are some perks about being on crutches) and I thought he was putting the razor away, until he shouted "Don't be mad at me!" And when I went into the bathroom, there he was cutting all his hair off!! I couldn't believe it, he looked like a convict! He'd done this before, a long time before I met him, and he had told me that he didn't have a good shaped head! SO WHY DID HE DO IT???

Perhaps someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something? Did my dream just tell me I need a change in hairstyle, or was it a forewarning about this day?? Who knows? I just know that Ziggy and I are now wary of anyone approaching us with a razor in their hand!!

They've changed!

There are a lot of children in our neighborhood, ranging from baby to 6 years of age, give or take a year or two. We try and get together at playgroup now and again, but sometimes miss a session here or there. And it's after these breaks from catching up with friends that you look at their children and invariably say "Haven't they grown?"

It's amazing to me how that happens, one minute your friend has a baby, just taking their first steps with those big diapers waddling away on their bottoms, and then you turn around and they are trying to ride a bike and are potty trained! It seems to happen in the blink of an eye, and why should I be surprised? It's the normal state of things, but it still seems to happen so quickly.

Sometimes when I am hugging my boys I say "Are you my baby?" and they invariably reply that they are not babies, they are 'big' boys!

Yesterday we were heading up to Denver, Chuck was driving and the boys were in the back watching a DVD. I turned around to see if they were OK and I realised in that instant that they were no longer babies, no longer toddlers, but boys. I could look at their faces and see the child behind the toddler, could see how they will look as they grow and move onto grade school.

Only last year they were small and a little upset to be leaving me to attend preschool, next week they start in pre-k. Where does the time go to? It's staggering. And while in many ways I miss those little bundles of joy I can now look forward to the conversations I will have with my boys! Already I love to talk with them, to watch them earnestly discussing a game or idea they have. They use their hands to describe their ideas, they have so many plans and schemes for their games it's fascinating for me to listen to them talk about it. Oliver has even started to come and apologize for his bad behaviour - without coercion - and it's a sign to me that he's getting bigger and starting to realise the world does not revolve around him and that he isn't always right and I am not always wrong or mean or horrible!!!

This past month two of my friends have lost their fathers, one in a tragic road accident and another to cancer. It has made me realise how fragile life is, how all this can disappear in the blink of an eye. It has made me want to make more effort to stay in touch with my friends, especially those that live many miles away.

We are often so caught up in our own lives, the dramas and problems, that we don't always give our friends and family the time they deserve. I know I have much to be thankful for, not least my two 'big' boys!

Something weird!

Just lately I have been receiving voice messages to my cell phone. Well, it seems silly to call it a message when the words/noises make no sense at all. I have had 3 calls in the past 2 weeks. Each time I look at the number and think.........."I know that number, whose number is that?" I have tried to call the number but can't get through. After the last message arrived last week I went through my entire address book looking for the number, and couldn't find it. But still it bugged me.

Anyway, I forgot about it and got on with life. Yesterday was my first physical therapy appointment to get my knee back to rights, and of course I arrived early to deal with the obligatory paperwork. Now I have been to this office before, so they pulled all my notes from previous visits and asked me to check and update them. And there it was in front of me, the phone number that has been used to call my cell! And do you know why it was SO familiar to me?? It was my office number! Before the twins were born I worked at HP down on Rockrimmon, and that was my office number! But I was laid off from there, didn't get to go back after maternity leave, except to clear my desk out. So I assumed one of my colleagues was sitting at my old desk trying to call me.

But here's the weird part! The entire section I worked in, is now closed completely. HP consolidated their staff, downsized dramatically and now use only a small part of the building. My area is completely sealed off. And here's the other weird thing............the cell phone I have now is not the one I had then! So how did my old office phone call my new cell phone, when the office is closed and no-one else there has my new cell phone number???

Cue the spooky music!!

The funny things they say! 2

Oliver still has an occasional accident and wets the bed.

One day, after just such an occasion I was in our bedroom changing the sheets on our bed. Oliver came in and watched me for a moment and then asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was changing the sheets (like he hasn't seen me do that before!) He asked me why and I told him they needed washing. There was a short silence and then Oliver asked "Who wet the bed, you or Daddy?"

My boys crack me up!!

The funny things they say!

After my knee surgery I was lying on the bed with my knee covered in bandages and Jamie stood next to the bed, about eye level with my knee.

He stood there very quietly for a while and looked at my knee then up at me and asked me "Can you walk mummy?" I replied "No I can't".

Small silence, then Jamie asked "Can you run mummy?" I replied "No I can't"

A longer silence while Jamie looked at me and then at my leg, then back at me when he stated "Then you can't chase me can you?" At which point he left the room with a huge smirk on his face!!

Knees, crutches and wheelchairs!

I am getting old, it's a pain in the bum, but it's a fact of life! I have been hobbling up and down the stairs lately because the pain in my knees has been escalating. I knew we should have bought a ranch (that's a bungalow to all my UK friends). The stairs are killing me! One night when I was bending down to kiss Oliver goodnight I felt something 'go' in my knee. Not sure where it went, but after that it hurt like hell and I really couldn't bend it and put weight on it at the same time. Watching me trying to go up and down the stairs without bending my legs is pretty comical!

I ended up visiting an orthopedist, a really nice guy called Dr. Stockelman. He sent me off for x-rays - normal - and an MRI - also normal, although it did show a small hole underneath the patella and a fissure at the back of my knee, all caused by osteoarthritis and my auto immune disease. He recommended an arthroscopy to clean out the knee and help my pain along. That was Wednesday, the following Tuesday I was in surgery! It happened so fast I barely had time to think about it.

Dr. Stockelman initially told me I would be on crutches for 6 weeks! I was stunned, and talked to his nurse later, who suggested I had misheard him as it was normal to be on crutches for two weeks at the most after an arthroscopy. I was much relieved! We rented some crutches from King Soopers - how strange to get something like that from the grocery store - and all was fine. My knee hurt A LOT! I could barely walk the first couple of days and found that using crutches was actually very difficult and painful! Anyway, I struggled along, hobbled around the house and waited for the swelling to go down and my stitches to come out. Two weeks after surgery I went back for my post op appointment. I wrote on my Facebook page that I was thrilled to be going to get my stitches out, that I would be running around the place like crazy and couldn't wait to lose the crutches! Silly me!

Confidently leaving my crutches in the car with Chuck and the boys I sauntered into the office to see my doctor. Almost the first words out of his mouth were "Where are your crutches?" I told him they were in the car, at which point he called the nurse to come with a wheelchair for me. I was forbidden to walk at all! He asked if I could remember talking to him after my surgery - and I couldn't - because if I had I might have recalled I didn't have just an arthroscopy. I also had something called a Pick Chondroplasty, which involved punching dozens of small holes into the bone to allow blood and bone marrow to ooze through and coat the knee in an attempt to provide a protective covering where the cartilage has been lost. He told me he often makes patients stay off their feet for 3 months and I should consider myself lucky that I was only 'sentenced' to 6 weeks!

He gave me a prescription for a wheelchair. I didn't think I needed it, but at home I couldn't even fetch myself a drink and take it back to my seat, crutches are not helpful at all in that way. We collected the wheelchair today, and while I feel kind of a fraud for using it, it certainly makes life easier - as long as I can get the boys to keep their things off the floor! Chuck has to go back to work next week, and I return to the doctor on August 27, when I hope to be able to dispose of both the crutches and the wheelchair. But this time......I won't be anticipating anything on my Facebook page before my appointment!

Reality has set in!

I am back from my trip to the UK. The cases have been emptied and put away, the laundry all done and there was such a lot of it, and this week I have spent time putting things away and generally tidying up the house. But it's hard to concentrate on much, I miss my family, I miss my friends and I miss the UK. Seeing my sister and father again, meeting the partners of my niece and nephews and their children brought it home to me that there's a whole family on the other side of the world growing up without me. I think that people who have not moved to live outside of their country of birth cannot understand how hard it is to live your life in another country.

While there are many similarities between the US and the UK they are also very different. The saying goes that we are two countries separated by a common language and nothing could be truer. I miss so many other things, apart from my family and friends. Never being more than a few hours drive to the coast. The wonderful green and lush scenery, the blossoms in the hedgerows and the small villages where you can wander around and buy bread and cake from one store, then head to the grocers for your fruit and vegetables.

And let's not forget the great British pub! Some of the best food (and beer) in the world is to be had in a British pub. There's always one close to where you live. There's no need to get into the car for everything, you can stroll down the village street or the country lane and enjoy an evening out. I miss Cornish pasties, lager and a fresh vanilla slice (it's a cake). I miss Jammie Dodgers, Garibaldi and Rich Tea biscuits (cookies for my American friends). I miss ginger cake, blackcurrant juice and Quavers! But most of all I miss the sense of humor, BBC documentaries and a news program that gives you much more information about what's happening in the world. It's hard to live your life away from all the things that matter the most to you.

The boys were wonderful on the plane, and I should not have worried about them at all. They were fine with everything. Our flight out was overnight so they slept most of the way, returning home we had a daytime flight and while Jamie slept a little Oliver stayed awake, but we were complimented by other passengers on how well the boys had behaved and how lovely they were! I know, my head is at least one size bigger!

The twins didn't always do so well during the actual vacation however. I think it was hard on them sleeping in strange beds and having their routine disrupted. Oliver in particular managed to throw a tantrum at least two or three times a day and getting them to go to sleep became a massive problem. Since we got back home I have restored some semblance of order, their bedtime is back to normal and (touch wood) we haven't had any major problems with them since we returned.

We had a mini reunion and I was able to introduce the boys to cousins of mine I hadn't seen for over 20 years. We visited Yorkshire and London, Wales and Wiltshire. I saw Stonehenge - again, in the rain - again! We went on the London Eye - the second time for Chuck and I but the first for the boys, and we were lucky in that the sun shone and the views over London were truly spectacular. The boys fell in love with Quavers (cheesy, puffy crisps) and soft whipped ice cream with a flake in. They played on the beach, in the 2p arcade - where they won lots of toys - and chased the seagulls down the pier in Whitby.

It was a wonderful holiday, I hated leaving, cried when the plane took off from Heathrow and am now wondering how to get the money together for another trip back next year!

We're naughty!

Jamie sat on the couch this morning, pointed at me and told me very seriously, that me and Daddy are naughty while he and Oliver are not! He said we were bad for taking the boxes back to the store! Oliver talked to me in a sad little voice, saying he wanted to watch George and Fifi and now he couldn't and that was bad!

The reason Chuck and I are in the doghouse? We got rid of cable yesterday! We took the 'boxes' back to the store. We have wanted to do this for a while, first of all cable can cost quite a lot and you often can't find anything to watch anyway, so we are hoping to save some money plus free ourselves from slumping in front of the TV every evening! So now we have just a few channels to watch and the boys are sad to lose Sprout, and the cartoon channel, they were just getting into watching Ben 10.

It's going to be hard for me too, a lot of my favorite programs have 'gone' although there are many of them available on http://www.hulu.com/ which is great. We joined Netflix last night too, so we'll have some good movies to watch on a Saturday night after the boys have gone to bed. Our next cost cutting deal will center on the phones, we may get rid of the land line completely, and it's fine by me, as long as I can keep the internet I am happy! I can live without TV and the phone, but not my connection to the entire world!!

So today the boys came home from school, they watched Curious George and Word World on PBS and now the cartoons are done. I have switched off the TV and they will have to go back to their games. The twins are great at creating long, action packed scenarios so I know their current disappointment about the TV won't last for long, although I am probably going to miss having a handy babysitter when it's vital for me to get something else done! It's a new era in the Wadge household, I am going back to reading in the evenings, maybe I will start knitting scarves now so I have a good supply for sale by the time the winter comes, and I can always mosaic the night away. We will survive and probably surprise ourselves in how little we miss watching that box in the corner!

Being a mum!

I don't normally watch TV during the day, but earlier this week happened to switch on Oprah and caught a show all about mums and the things they do not admit to or tell their friends. It was an eye opening episode!

I got married late in life, at age 45 and had children even later, at 51. I thought I was prepared for being a parent, that I had the maturity and patience to deal with children. I worked in a job I absolutely loved and planned to return to work after the boys were born, but I was totally unprepared for how much my life was about to change! First of all we had twins! I knew it was a possibility, we had IVF treatment after all, so I wasn't too surprised. Chuck and I brought the boys home and coped on our own, got the twins into a routine and settled down into our new life with children. Then I got laid off, three days before I was due back to work. It was a huge disappointment!

So Chuck went back to work and I settled into my new life as a stay at home mum. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and this is where that Oprah show comes in. Few mums I know will admit that being a parent is tough. None will tell you they sit their children in front of the TV to get a few hours of peace and quiet. That they don't bath their children every night, or even once a week! That teeth don't always get brushed for two minutes, or indeed every day! It was an incredibly refreshing and honest show. Being a mum is not always the most rewarding job in the world. It's hard, lonely, frustrating and boring! I love my boys, I couldn't imagine my life without them, but this is not all it's cracked up to be. That's why I so loved Oprah's show. It was honest and genuine and about time that us mums told it the way it was!

And I am going to 'fess up..........

I have done - and still do - use the TV to babysit my children!

I do not remember to clean their teeth every day!

They do not have 5 servings of veggies and/or fruit daily.

Candy is great for bribes.

They don't always get clean clothes or socks for school.

I sometimes tell them it's later than it actually is, so I can put them to bed earlier!

I don't give them a bath every day.

Wipes are great for cleaning faces, feet and sticking down unruly hair!

I do not get to shower every day!

I am not alone, there are millions of mums out there who are doing the same as I am. We struggle through the day dealing with tantrums and fights and whining. We don't get too much adult conversation and rarely get out of our t-shirts and sweat pants. We clean house, cook meals and do grocery shopping. There's always laundry lying in wait for us and messes to clean up. We make appointments for when the children are in school or on play dates, we spend our days rushing from pillar to post and back again.

At the end of the day, we all love our children dearly, we have all given up so much to have them and raise them! I wouldn't be without my boys, but it's so nice to know that I am not alone in my 'failings'. That I am not a bad mum, I am just someone doing the very best that I can! We should all be proud of ourselves!

How much is this going to cost?

We have bought our airline tickets for our trip to the UK and while we thought we got a great deal on them, the price was reduced by $150 per ticket about 3 weeks after we had booked. We couldn't do anything about it, so I have to let it go, although it's pretty annoying!

We are flying into Heathrow, and while that's nowhere near my sister's house - which is where we will base ourselves - we decided a non-stop flight would be easier with the twins. So we get on the plane in Denver, and get off in London. Seems like it will be easy! It's an overnight flight, so I am really hoping the boys will sleep for most of the way, I can only keep my fingers crossed.

Car hire is going to take a BIG bite out of our budget, the exchange rate is not favorable to the dollar right now, it's about $2 to the pound, so car hire for 3 weeks will cost almost $1000! It's pretty expensive, and don't get me started on the price of gas! I think that's around $6 per gallon!

We have to budget for hotel accommodation while we are traveling around. I am lucky in that I have lots of friends and family who have volunteered to put us up for the night which is amazing, especially considering we will have 4 year old twin boys with us, who have never experienced jet lag! It could be interesting and I hope we don't wear out our welcome too soon.

We are going to tour Cornwall, which is in the south west of the UK and is a really beautiful part of the country. Having lived near to the sea before I moved permanently to America, I miss walking on the beach, so I plan to visit every little cove and fishing village I can find. We will also make a trip to Scarborough and London, and while the boys may not be too interested in the museums, I think they will enjoy a boat trip down the river Thames and a ride on the London Eye.

How much is this going to cost? A small fortune!

But in my mind it's well worth it. I miss the UK, my family and friends so much. I want everyone to meet my boys and I can't wait to eat 'proper' fish and chips from the 'chippy'. The boys will have a great time on my sister's farm, they will get to meet their counsins and their children and will ride the horses and tractors and probably chase the sheep all over the place! The cost in monetary terms is high, but in emotional terms, priceless!

I'm going home!

Of course, seeing as I am a US Citizen, technically this is my home, but the UK is where I was born and has all the things I love, not least my family and friends. Chuck and I booked our flights on Monday and now it seems real! I am very excited to see everyone and introduce them all to my twins, I can hardly wait. But before we take off I have a lot of work to do. We haven't flown since early in 2001 and of course everything changed after 9/11 and now there are so many rules and regulations to take in. I have to go out and buy plastic bottles to put liquids in, can't pack my saw or axe, damn! and need to carefully measure the size of our suitcases to ensure they are not too big! As we have to remove our shoes at the security check point I need to make a note to myself to buy Chuck new socks, his are full of holes!

The boys are excited too, they have never flown and I don't think they completely understand about getting in a plane and flying to another country. It's a strange concept for them but I am telling them about watching a movie on the plane, having dinner and sleeping too, so they are looking forward to it. We have already started debating which cuddly toys they will take along in their back packs, although I am sure the choice will change many times over the next few weeks!

I have so many friends in addition to family who want to see us during our stay that my cousin Jackie and I are trying to arrange a mini family reunion, which will be wonderful. I will get to meet my cousin and her grown up boys, last time I saw them they were about 7 or 8 I think, and my aunt, my mum's sister, who I haven't seen for many, many years, so I am really looking forward to that. We are planning to do some travel in Cornwall, Chuck's ancestors the Wadge's are from that area, and I know my father-in-law would love it if I could find out more about the family for him. Plus I love Cornwall and it's been many years since I have been although I did work there for a while. Living in Colorado I miss seeing the sea, so this trip will give me that and more. We are also going to London to take the boys on the London Eye and a trip down the River Thames, which I think is about all of London two 4 year olds will be interested in!

I am also trying to lose some weight. I have gained around 20lbs from taking high doses of steroids to bring the symptoms of my Lupus under control and also from making some unwise food choices over the Christmas period! I am now calorie counting and exercising at least four times a week! BORING! Every Wednesday morning I go to my doctor's office to be weighed - as that's a great motivator for me - and last week, which was my first week, I lost 2 lbs. So this is do-able, I can get back into my jeans before my vacation! It just takes hard work! Which I am not too keen on!

But, perhaps all the preparations for the holiday, sorting out and washing clothes and reading the rules and regulations on the TSA website will take my mind off eating! Wouldn't that be nice?

Another year has come and gone!

I have a post it note on my computer that says "The days are long, but the years are short", and each day when I read it I realize how true it is. Already it is 2009 and my twins will be 4 in two weeks. Four! Where did those years go? It seems just minutes since they were babies and we brought them home from the hospital at a little over 4lbs each. The day was snowy and cold and we were so nervous driving all the way from Denver with such a precious cargo in the car. Oliver had some problems with breathing at our high altitude and needed oxygen at home for the first month, and when I look back at the photos of him with the nasal cannula he looks so small and frail. And now he can sit on his twin and keep him pinned to the floor!


Sometimes the days with twins, on your own at home, especially when the weather is bad and too cold to get out, are the longest of any I have ever known. The boys pick up on my mood, they take advantage of me, they fight and squabble and scream and hit each other, and just when I am in despair, they run over and hug me before running off to play nicely together. I was going through my files last week - in a futile effort to get more organized - and came across the cards with their footprints on, and they are SO tiny, it seems unbelievable to me that they could ever have been so tiny.

And now they are growing out of all their clothes, they seem to get bigger every day and ask me to measure them weekly so we can check their progress! They chatter to me constantly, to each other and to themselves while they play, they make up elaborate games, with convoluted plots and can keep that going for hours. They love to pretend to be other people, their friends from school, their teachers or our neighbors! They climb up the back of the sofa using their toy snakes as the ropes and sail around the floor on the sofa cushions. I am amazed at their imaginations and the stories they can create, I love Jamie's cheeky smile when he's trying to convince me that he really, really needs another cookie and I love that Oliver can correct me when I am wrong and delight in saying "You were wrong Mummy and I was right" It gives him such joy!

While life with the twins is incredibly tiring, very hard (at times), lonely sometimes and often demanding, I am so proud of my sons and it's wonderful to watch them grow and develop and become their own person!