Mother's Pride

These thoughts have been going around in my head for years, since my twins were born actually. It was early on after their birth (when the hormones were probably still raging) and I was driving back from the grocery store listening to George Michael's 'Listen Without Prejudice'. It's a great album but one track at the time particularly affected me.

Although I had listened to it many times before and have since, each time I hear it now I realise once again how having children changes your life in more ways than you can ever imagine possible.

On that particular day, the words of the song 'Mother's Pride' moved me deeply. It's about women saying goodbye to the men they love, be it husbands, sons or lovers and waving them off to war.

Suddenly I understood something I had never before considered.

Children have a capacity to hurt you in way you would never have thought of. Not by being mean, or rude, or naughty, but by getting hurt, or sick, wounded or killed. By going off to fight a war and not come home.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to lose a child, no parent ever wants to find that out for themselves. I know war is almost a fact of life, and this is not an anti-war message, but it's a message about the effect of war on the people left behind - I think.

I cried driving home that day (again, I blame it on the hormones) but I have never forgotten it and while this isn't meant to be a morbid post, it IS meant to show that things that are familiar, that are everyday can change when you have children.

I recently re-discovered 'Listen Without Prejudice' and it brought back all those thoughts from almost 6 years ago and I decided I had to write them down. The words of the song are here, I hope George won't mind if I get them a little wrong, this is from memory!

Mother's Pride

Oh she knows, she takes his hand

And prays the child will understand

At the door, they watch the men go by

In the clothes that Daddy wore

Mother's pride

Baby boy

His father's eyes

He's a soldier waiting for a war

Time will come

He'll hold a gun

His father's son.

As he grows, he hears the band

Takes the step from boy to man

At the shore, she waves her son goodbye

Like the man she did before

Mother's pride

Just a boy

His country's eyes

He's a soldier waving at the shore

And in her heart, time has come

To lose a son.

And all the husband, all the sons, all the lovers gone

It makes no difference

No difference in the end

Still hear the women say "Your daddy died a hero"

In the name of God and man

Mother's pride

Crazy boy

His lifeless eyes

He's a soldier now for evermore

He'll hold a gun

'Til kingdom come.

New Year = Same Old, Same Old!

When we welcome in a New Year we all hope for a better year, a brighter year, good luck, happiness and good health. So what the heck happened to my New Year??

It's only January 20th and I have already had problems and been hit with a big 'whammy'!

The start of the year found me experiencing problems with my eyes. My left eye in particular felt like there was grit in it, and it was so sore to blink and look around. I spent the best part of one weekend with a tissue held to my eye to keep it closed to see if that would help - it didn't. After 4 days of feeling like I had been in a sandstorm I gave in and called my ophthalmologist. One of the concerns with MS is a complication called Optic Neuritis and I wanted to ensure I wasn't developing that. I had numerous exams, my eyes were dilated (which I totally hate) and he found absolutely nothing wrong. That was good but didn't explain what was going on. He also didn't think it was allergies but he gave me some eye drops to see if it would help.

The following week I was at an appointment with my rheumatologist and mentioned the problem with my eyes, we talked about various things, he sent me off for blood work and other tests and that was that.

All that brings us to this week. On Tuesday I was at the neurologist's office discussing the fact that the steroid treatments don't really help my symptoms for long, and it was suggested I may be referred up to the University of Colorado Hospital in Denver because my case was becoming more complex and difficult to treat. My balance and coordination was checked again, and I am still in danger of falling over the moment I close my eyes so things are not much improved.

The neurologist called my rheumatologist to talk about me and the blood work I had done, and when she came back in announced something that was a big surprise to me. I have another auto-immune disease - that brings me to three now - or is it four - I am losing count! Now I have something called Sjogrens Syndrome. It's the cause for my dry eyes, my sore throat and the need to drink during eating to prevent my occasional bouts of choking, because Sjogrens doesn't just attack the tear ducts and salivary glands, it DESTROYS them!

I sat in the office and listened to what my doctor had to say. My medications are to remain to same until I am referred to see the neurologists in Denver and then I left and headed out to my car to drive home. I was OK.

But halfway home I started crying.

Maybe I am not OK.

I am not OK.

Another New Year!

Where does the time go to? It seems like only months ago that we were all talking about the new millennium, the worries over changing computers to the year 2000 and here we are now, in 2011, and I have no idea how that happened so fast!

I often think of how much I have achieved since my mum died when I was 25. I have lived an entire life without her, but last night I was thinking about how much has happened since we were all anticipating the turn of the year in 2000!

Over the past ten years and in no particular order:

• Chuck and I bought a new home.
• We made two trips back to the UK.
• My eldest nephew had a daughter, my niece a son and my youngest nephew two girls.
• I got laid off from work 3 times!
• I had twins.
• I gained a degree in project management.
• I lobbied for, and succeeded in getting a park built in our neighborhood.
• I grew my hair long, cut it short and grew it long again.
• I gave up making mosaics and taught myself knitting instead.
• I made some great new friends.
• Got two staples in my head!
• Chuck and I filed for bankruptcy (ongoing).
• I sold my knitting items at craft shows with my friend Molly and helped my friend Jen, in a small way, start her own business.
• I have learned to give myself daily shots for my MS.
• I was diagnosed with numerous illnesses and ailments, but was able to give up taking all medications for my asthma which I have had since birth - must be the good Colorado air!
• I became a stay at home mum.
• I had an ovary removed and had knee surgery.
• I have gained weight (not good) and will be working on losing that this year.
• I fell in love with my Nintendo and my Roomba!
• I got the boys into a great school for their kindergarten year!
• I have 'lost' two good friends back to their home country of Australia

That's all that comes to mind right now, but it's certainly a lot! Isn't it amazing what you can pack into 10 years? I wonder what the next ten will bring? Hopefully better health for me, great schooling for the boys (they've already made a good start) and more friends and happy times! I don't know if we will get to stay in our house once the bankruptcy is complete, but as long as I can stay in this area I will be more than happy!