Changes

It's been a very long time since I posted. And a lot has changed in my life.

I am not sure what caused the shift, perhaps it was my dad's funeral, perhaps it was my age, perhaps it was just the right time, I really don't know. But over the past year or two I have become more and more aware that I shouldn't remain married. I needed a separation, a new part of my life to begin. I love my children and their father will always be a part of our life, but I decided a separation, a legal separation was what I needed in order to move forward and to be happy again.

The decision making was the hardest thing I have ever done. I spent many, many nights lying awake, crying, making resolutions, deciding, and each morning questioning my night time decisions. What would a separation do to me, to my husband and most importantly, to my children?

I realized I would never, ever know if I had adversely affected all their lives, or mine for that matter. We never know if we had taken 'that' road, how things would have turned out, we only know what happens as we live our lives.

It took me about a year to decide to file for a separation. It was so hard. Actually signing the papers was easy, telling my husband I had filed was not, but I couldn't let him find out when he was served with the papers, he deserved more than that. And once I told him, life got harder, if that was even possible. He was naturally, angry, upset and hurt. He thought I was sick, wrong and perhaps even stupid. We argued and cried, but I knew I had done the right thing, even though I was struggling so much with my decision.

Many more sleepless nights followed. Many more days of doubt and indecision. Many, many weeks of trying to remain determined, trying to be certain that what I was doing wasn't purely selfish, that it was right for all of us. Just moving forward, day by day, hoping for the best.

I won't go into details concerning the separation, there is no need for that. Nor will I discuss here the reasons I decided to go ahead with a separation. I know many people do not understand me. I know many of my friends supported me. I was and still am so grateful that they were they to listen and console and comfort and help me through the most difficult time of my life.

So I am now a 'single' woman in the eyes of the law. I cannot remarry unless I move forward with divorce proceedings, but I have no plans to remarry. I have no plans to start dating. I want to be me. I want to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. I want to make my own decisions. I want to guide my boys, to help them learn and grow up to be kind and thoughtful and honest.